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20 February 2009 @ 04:00 pm

I cried. For the first time, I cried. (Not that I have never cried before, I have.)  But never about this, never about my choice to have the surgery, never about my BRCA status.

I was lying in my bed, talking things over with my husband and I started to cry.  I was tired.  Fed up.  All, of being sore.  I had lived the last two weeks being constantly aware of my chest area.  Never having any real pain, but always a feeling of being uncomfortable and sore.  I was tired of feeling that way.  There is a word in French that really captured what I felt: tanné; - (fed up, sick of it). Just fed up of feeling this way.

I said to my husband, if this is what I am going to have to live with... I’d rather have no shape at all.  I'll call the Dr, have the surgery to remove both expanders, heal and be done.  No expanders, no more surgerys, no more this constant feeling of something being different; nothing more for my body to get used to.

I kind of like my flat look.  I like the change of not having breasts; I literally feel lighter, my posture is better.  The constant feeling of tightness and soreness really got to me that night.

My husband was wonderfully supportive.  He knows me so well and always seems to know exactly what to say to make me feel better.  He reminded me of the whys.  Why we chose to have this surgery.  To prevent this terrible disease from ever taking hold of me (or at least my breasts!)  He also reminded me of how much we have to be thankful for. There are so many woman who learn of their BRCA status too late (they already have cancer).  We don’t have to fight that battle.  I am blessed to know in advance, to have been given a choice to take action.  On my terms. I have MUCH to be thankful for.

He was right.