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28 April 2009 @ 09:36 am
 
MOURNING THE LOSS
 
Honestly, I never thought I would feel the need to mourn the loss of my breasts.  I thought I had prepared myself well enough (mentally) before the surgery that I would be fine with it all after.  Don’t misunderstand me, I’m okay, I just feel a little sad.  In no way am I regretting my choice or wishing I had done anything different.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  I just see other women with their natural breasts and consider that I will never have that again.

Perhaps it is because of the warm weather starting and women beginning to wear less and less but over the past week or so, I have been obsessed with looking at other women’s breasts!  I look at them and I admire the way the fall, the way they move.  I was at the Pharmacy yesterday and the woman serving me was wearing a beautiful scoop neck shirt and her breasts were just lovely – I almost told her just how beautiful I thought her breasts were!!! :)  It makes me sad to think that I have lost that movement that I used to have.  The natural way my breast used to be.  

Then I read a post by a woman that called her expanders ‘turtle shells’.  That’s what they are!!! Little turtle shells!  I have been more conscience also of how it must feel to be on the receiving end of a hug from me.  They must feel my ‘turtle shells’…  I never really gave it much thought before.  I am a ‘hugger’, I always have been and I think people do not touch each other enough.  I love giving hugs and I love receiving them; it was one of things I missed the most in those weeks after my surgery.  I missed hugging my husband! (Others too)  When you get a hug from me you can be sure you will feel some love (and I guess for the moment you will also feel my expanders).

Once I have my exchange surgery I will have some softness to me once again, I’m not gonna lie, I’m looking forward to that very much. I know they will not move like my 'old' breasts but at least I won't be as self conscious about touching people as I seem to be now.  Strange that it never really bothered me until this week.  

I’m quite sure that this too shall pass.